JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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