Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
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