im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
