not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
