yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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