yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
