after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
