so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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