Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
