The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
