Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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