please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.