i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.