just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
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you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
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Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask