i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it