'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death