i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
