new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
