One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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