oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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