I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Man, jail baloney is awful.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
