party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
