I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
This house was built for laser tag.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
