I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
