Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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