I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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