Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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