my room smells like sperm. sweet.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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