I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
