WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
