You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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