I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
