i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
