woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
