end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
