K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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