hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
