I wanna bring you to show and tell
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
