If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
