When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
