oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
