i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
