The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
