I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Randomize
