i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
