With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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