im about as happy as oj after his trial
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
