and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
