I think I am morally bankrupt
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm like, not good at living.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
