Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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