Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
