i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
