tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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