walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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