It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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