Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
