id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
