WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
