At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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