There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
