well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
