I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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