I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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