I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
