i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
