dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
