btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
