Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i dont even know how to be here
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
