If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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