I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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