why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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