I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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