You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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